Changes in life can be wonderful and scary at the same time. It’s a central tenet of life that people change, the world changes, our circumstances change. Don’t like where your life is today? Just wait, tomorrow it may change.
2013 has been all about changes for me. The biggest of my life. And I have lived through many changes before this. Changing gender is more than the physical transformation one goes through. There is the inner and outer world that must be changed as well, and how we see and interact with those worlds.
My inner world has been remodeled. Where before I was a fortress of hard granite blocks, sharply cut and tightly fitted, now I exist in a palace of color, texture, soft, flowing buttresses designed to welcome and not defend. The occupant of this palace has shed the skin of the chameleon she used to be, and now, with all masks removed, stands open to the world and the possibilities it brings. She can accept heartache, scorn, rejection. Those negatives are recognized but they fall at her feet, unworthy of embracing. Instead she celebrates her existence, feasting with the lords of love, laughter, and childish joy. This is a party of open invitation and lords and ladies, in their rich embodiment of emotion, parade through her halls without hesitation, confident in her presence.
The outer world is once more that home of my childhood memories. The laughter and love that for so long lay withering has returned in a flood through new friends and fellow wanderers that I now call family. The world around me has transformed as I have been transformed. I move through my reality with a confidence borne of self-knowledge and lifetimes of experience.
This transformation has opened me to the possibilities of other changes and recognition of additional facets of my being. My sexual orientation was always a bit fluid and now it seems to have settled into what can best be described as “pansexual”. I like to think that I see the beauty of people beyond their presentation, beyond the definitions that society tries to impose upon us. While I do find myself aroused by physical beauty, what excites my soul is the energetic recognition of a soul I can harmonize with.
Expanding this further, I can now openly recognize that I find Poly, or polyamory, an intriguing idea and something worth being open to. I’ve toyed with this idea for many years but always honored the monogamous relationship I was in. With that relationship now transformed from one of romantic love to purely friendship and co-parenting, I have the freedom to explore this new territory. What about this concept appeals to me? I think after all my failed relationships I’ve recognized the futility of thinking that one person can satisfy all your needs. I’m not talking simply sexually; I’m referring to emotional, intellectual, artistic, philosophical, spiritual, etc. It’s a daunting task for anyone to be all that they themselves want to be, let alone what someone else wants or expects them to be for them. Opening the boundary (carefully) and allowing others into a loving relationship could ease that strain and enrich the lives of all involved. Granted that’s a perfect world scenario. Most of the poly relationships I’ve seen and heard of involve drama and end in failure – but not all. I live in the single digit percentages in all other aspects of my life, why not try for success in this?
So here I am, a pansexual, poly-minded, transsexual woman – and I’m sitting home alone with my cat sleeping next to me. I know I sound like I’m open to so many possibilities, but I’m actually quite discriminating about who I spend my time with or share my body with. As much as a quickie or a one-night-stand sounds good in theory, it’s an idea that probably should remain a theory (though if it happens I won’t be crying about it).
Do I want love, romance, tenderness, passion, cuddling, laughter, joy, tears, and peace in the arms of a lover? Of course I do. And I think I’m worth it. So what then? What am I trying to say with all of this?
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.
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Hey universe, I’m ready whenever you are.. I’m ready to be with someone. The right someone(s).
Den of the Red Fox 